Serenity’s Fire

Serenity’s Fire
I can’t help it
I walk into flames
Fire of fear
Inferno of fright
Barefoot and stripped down
March maddeningly in
Blazing, broiling
Singeing skin
Charring chastity

Since the beginning –
Behave, civilized citizen
Seeking acceptance
Without work or feign
Facing failure at every
Affection
I quickly learned
I create my own
Consent and comply
To my own conformity

It was then I realized –
When Heart knew
But Id said “no”
And let fear grip on
Clinging to my thighs
Clawing down my calves
Desparate to condemn
Hard work and heavy
Hurt on a road
To happiness –
That I must, need, have
To step into that
Smoldering sea of
Red hot heat
Blistering my toes
Scorching my back
Setting my hair a-fire

I can not be ruled
Not by fear
Love is my law
And I will walk
Into the flames for it
I lay it on the line
For the light of love
Even if it is
A raging wildfire
I strut right in
Knowing acres of burn
I must cover in the course
Plodding and painful pursuit
To the radiant
Rays of serenity
And the arms of love

Reflection

240/366

Birth of a Miracle

Birth of a Miracle
You never showed
Your age with your
One tiny hand
And today those
Days are gone
But you are your
Own divine timeline
Of miracles
You are my miracle

Two weeks old
Skin and bones
5 lbs, 3 oz
And still losing
And I lost
My nourishing natural
Bond at the breast
To mechanically manufacture
That pure gold
For you to guzzle down
And then we repeat
Pump, eat
Pump, eat
Double time
And time again
But it was worth it
You were worth it

Doctors, doctors, more doctors
When we weren’t
Pumping and eating
We were
Driving and waiting
With each new
Predicament stepping
Out of the shadows
I would think
“It could be worse”
Positive on the surface
And all the worries
Of “worse” back stage
Each time the lights
Went up I was forced
To sing and act
Even if I didn’t
Know my lines
I had to be in
The moment and
Flow with the other
actors, release control

And while your days
Have not been like
Other 6 year olds’ days
They have been grand

We have played more than
Best of friends play
We have travelled more than
Airline stewardesses travel

I found new patience
I found new compassion
I relinquished expectations
I relinquished control

We withstand the gawkers
We withstand the commenters

We see people for who they are
We show people’s true colors
When you are around
People can not hide
They can not pretend to be
Comfortable with adversity
At ease with difference
Accepting of challenges
Unless
They truly are
You are truth serum
I drink you in everyday
The truth I see is
The vastness and glory of love

Birthdays are For Candles
and Presents

Six for Six

  1. Favorite Food – Pizza and waffles.  This is about all you eat.  But with Jen’s help in feeding therapy we now get all kinds of good stuff masquerading as pizza and waffles into your diet.
  2. Favorite Treat – “monipop” or lollipop
  3. Favorite Character – Thomas tis your one true love always and forever
  4. Favorite “Subject” – Music.  Anything really, but you do know all the words to several great Head and the Heart songs.  Trevor Hall’s albums are second on the playlist of tunes you have memorized.
  5. Favorite Activity – Swimming
  6. Favorite Friends – “Maumy” (Marley), “Bodie” (Brodie), and “Cales” (Cale)

Happy 6th Birthday Baby.  I love you beyond words could ever express.

238/366

And Away They Go

And Away They Go
Sent into the world
Eyelashes of dandelions
Scattered in the wind

Firsts All Around
Jr. High

First day of school.
Marley had his first day in Jr. High. How old am I?
Brodie is in 6th and will have his first day of Jr. High math tomorrow.
Cale is in 3rd and on the top floor of our school with the “big” kids.
And Perry, my baby, started kindergarten.
Just half day, so, I still have a year of just him and me.

I sent them off and watched them go. It’s all I can do. I hope the love I have given them is spread to other hearts that they touch.

237/366

Excavating

Excavating
An excavation is occurring
Right here, right now.
Digging up and exposing
Parts hidden down deep.
Massive machinery taking
The top layer hastily away,
Leaving the fragile fragments
Incrusted in the earth.
Artifacts of the past
Once seen by my eyes.  Also
Treasures restricted to canyons,
Caverns created underground
Where I have never traversed.
Dark, shaded spots I never
Stepped, nor knew existed.
Only now discovering their presence.
Beginning at the surface,
I chip away at the ancient
Heirlooms of my past,
Recognizing them lovingly.
Peacefully reunited once again
And pausing to reflect on:

The site before me.
The work I have done.
The work yet to come.

Venturing into the unknown.
Brushing around the borders
Of this found cave.  Careful
Not to damage the walls
Where the delicate and durable
Concealed crystals line the
Ceiling filled with stalactites and stalagmites.
Glittering as each grain
Of entombed soil is sifted
Through the sieve to collect
All the jewels this dig uncovers.
The process is painstaking,
Tedious and tormenting at times.
But I know if I delve
Too abruptly, a landslide
Will inundate all the work done.

Hidden Caverns

I’m working hard, internally, this summer. An awakening that began late winter, is in full bloom with the summer sun. It’s been a slow process and one I don’t choose to rush, even if I could. The work of the Spirit can not be pulled along. I have to be led.

It’s going to sound crazy (and maybe I am…). I almost don’t believe it myself, but when I cut my hair something happened. Something in me changed. I found Trevor Hall’s beautiful soul and music and my world was cracked open. The start of the excavation. I sought out my old writing… another layer scraped away. Falling into my poetic soul, I was led down a path I never even knew was there.

Autumn, upon us now, it is a time to harvest. I want so desperately for my fruit to be ready to gather. I wish I was further along this road than I actually am. I can’t get enough podcasts on spirituality, books on poetry, picking up my art supplies and letting my head go. Letting my heart be in charge. But I’m still not where I want to be.

And then I hear,
… so it is.

I have extended grace to myself. I remind myself that steam rolling forward simply to get forward, smashes everything along the way. All the lessons learned from the stumbles absent, the beauty of the flowers are pushed into the dirt, and the surprises disappear in the speed of the machine forever pushing along. I don’t want to miss all of that. I have the feeling even if I tried that method, I would only have to back up and start again, prolonging the journey further.

I have also discovered the understanding that my path is set. It doesn’t really matter what I “do”, things are meant to happen. The poem of my life has already been written. I used to think that the philosophers in the school of determinism, were so off key. How could we not have free will to make our destiny?  The thought of not controlling things was terrifying. Then Perry came into my life. His greatest gift to me was learning to release control. I know my Spirit has the map drawn. And I have seen some of it. It’s beautiful. What I am uncovering and excavating is beyond my wildest dreams.

236/366

Around the Bend

Around the Bend
Into the wooded wild
Out of the open meadow
Under the reaching arms
Of the mossy emerald
Giants guarding the crown

Up I climb over rock
And root, dusty earth
Beneath my brisk sneakers
Leaving only my footprints
As proof I had been there

In the shade of the looming limbs,
The lifeless ones lean
Low to the ground looking
Like a large bees’ lair
For the regal queen’s dwelling

Smoke settling in the valley
Showing the ridges of the bluffs
In blues of royal shades
Standing out against the wispy
White of the foggy breath below

The wind whips up, stirring
A shiver to my skin
Goose-bumped and trembling
Even while the heart is racing
With the hard hurried effort

Chilled and frigid as I turn
The trail’s twisty bend to
The warmth of sun and love rushing
Forth in my face and permeating
Heat and fervor to my core

Trail Dirt

234/366